Random 5 Monday – December 11, 2017

Random 5 Monday – December 11, 2017

Here goes another Random 5 Monday.  I love these.  I’ll admit, I’ve been stumped a couple of times so I’m trying to keep a list on what is 5-able throughout the week.  Like this first one, it’s definitely 5-able and it’ll probably piss some people off, but it’s weighing me and if I don’t purge it’ll eat me alive.  I noted it on Wednesday of last week so I wouldn’t let it slide.  Ready?  Here goes!!!

1 – Boundaries.  Have some self respect people.  Don’t pretend you are doing favors for someone but really just all up in their businazz.  Know what I mean?  Those people seem to irritate me more than most.  If you are truly a friend to someone, don’t ever put yourself in the middle of a situation that might cause friction in their relationship.  Just don’t do it.  That immediately removes you from the “Friend” list and now you will be under observation.  And you will remain there.  Until you prove you aren’t a skank and trying to man-steal.  There are way too many man-stealers out there.  And let’s face it, dudes are dumb.  Dudes can be manipulated and rewired and played so easily.  Their poor little dumb brains can’t handle that much hormonal power.

I have VERY clear boundaries.  Don’t come near my husband or you will get hurt. 

Because I have a very special set of skills. 

And I will find you. 

And I will kill you. 

He doesn’t want to be the reason someone get whacked and ends up in a patio somewhere on the south side.

JK JK JK, kinda.

Ladies, set your boundaries.  Make them clear.  People may not be aware of where you stand and the general concept of keeping their noses out of your business and their hands on their own toys.  Sometimes you might have to play whack-a-mole with a slut muppet to make her understand, but I guarantee, after a few jabs to the side of the head (sometimes it only takes one), they back down and retreat to their corners.  They probably weren’t prepared for a battle anyway; they just got drunk and wanted to see what it looked like in the dark.  While you may never stop them from attacking the doofolopolus male population as a whole, it will keep them from trying to entice your man with a big butt and smile.

Men, if you plan on staying in a relationship in 2018, don’t walk around with a semi-chub buying shots for the trolling population of Little Shop of Whores and their carnivorous coochies.  Because all it takes is one misheard cue and you’ve got a life-sized troll holding onto your junk promising you the time of your life.  Don’t fall for it.  It’s a trick.

2 – I’m in rare form this morning.  If you ask my husband, it’s probably not all that rare I’m in a foul mood and have taken up permanent residence in Badmoodville.  This also happens to be when I’m most productive; when I’m focused and get things done.  Maybe not the things people can see, like cleaning and mundane tasks, but when I clear my head, pull my head out of my butt and get focused on the bigger picture.  Have you ever seen Steel Magnolias?  I think I’m Ouiser’s sister.  Wait, I’m way too young to be her sister, but I could definitely be her niece or granddaughter.  “I’m not crazy, I’ve just been in a very bad mood for 40 years!”  She’s the best. 

3 – I’m having a hard time finding my Christmas spirit this year.  I’m not sure what’s going on but I’m betting it has to do with the stupid hardware store tree.  Probably not, but that’s what I’m blaming it on because I have no other logical reason.  We go every year to a cute little tree farm in Choctaw and cut down our tree.  After walking through the fields examining every single tree available, we pick the very best one for our family.  Then the girls head to the barn for some hot apple cider while the guys cut the tree down and put it in the wagon.  I get to pick out a beautiful, handmade real pine wreath for our front door and the guys stand just outside the barn and watch the tree farm hands cut and measure the tree, drill a hole in the bottom, shake, wrap and load it up for us.  It’s our tradition.  And being a blended family, second-hand traditions are pretty important.  It’s something I look forward too every year, and so do the kids.  This year we got a postcard that it was the last year for our tree farm and the friendly old guy who runs it.  This year, Andy decided he wanted a tree on a Wednesday, instead of a normal weekend like we’ve done every year.  This year, Andy threw our whole tradition out the window and somehow convinced the kids that a hardware store tree would be fine.  I boycotted the whole idea and stayed home.  The tree looks the same, it’s decorated by our kids the same; they didn’t seem to miss a beat actually.  But I know where it came from and I hate it.  I hate that tree and it doesn’t even smell good.  It doesn’t even smell like a Christmas tree.  It smells like beans and cheese.  

4 – Have you ever opened up your fridge and found two squirrels just laying in a bowl?  They are in there looking like weird little alien babies being incubated or something.  I was just looking for a piece of last night’s pizza for my breakfast man, I didn’t need to see all that.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not really squeamish or anything, but they look freakish.  The boy child and his dad, who will be known as “Andy the Christmas Tree Tradition Killer” from now on, went hunting Sunday.  This was their bounty.  Monkey Boy couldn’t have been more excited.  He did whatever you do to a squirrel to clean it and was so proud of the blood on his shirt to prove it to the world.  And now there they are, two little squirrels, in a bowl, in my fridge.  

5 – So I’ve got just a couple months left to get my butt in gear and not look like a complete idiot for the 2018 Fight for Air Climb with #TeamNikki.  I’m not sure what compelled me to sign up this year but I’m feeling the tension now!  Stairs, ya’ll.  I have to climb a million bazillion stairs.  First of all, I fall down a lot.  On flat ground.  I can trip over a piece of hair.  Running into walls and bumbling into furniture is sort of my thing.  If that was a sport, I’d be an athlete with like, medals or trophies or whatever.  And yet something inside me, probably very deep and very buried by now, said, “Oh Denise, go for it!  It sounds like fun!”  Don’t misinterpret… the cause is fantastic!  I’m in love with the cause and the work Wendy and the rest of #TeamNikki have put forth is inspiring to say the least.  I think part of my signing up was pure guilt.  I haven’t pulled any great feats for Nikki or ALA, and that’s total crap.  She was my rock for many years ya’ll.  Another part was thinking maybe it would push me to get my butt in the gym on a regular basis, yanno if I had a goal.  So far, that assumption was way off base.  It started strong and then fizzled out.  But now…. now I’m starting to panic.  I’m going to see some folks I haven’t seen since high school.  And I’m not even famous yet.  What the hell have I been doing these last 25 years?  For the Love of God I better find the gumption to get in the gym and train or this will be a complete fiasco.  Disaster of epic proportions.  I mean, when I get to the third flight of stairs and can’t breathe, tip just a little too far backward, no one will catch me.  Fearing for their own lives no doubt, they will all just move to the side as I just go tumbling down every single step until I hit ground zero, scramble for what’s left of my dignity and crawl away.

So that’s my Random 5 Monday folks!  Come back next Monday and see what’s brewing in my head.  Maybe I’ll be out of my Christmas funk by then LOL.  Have a great week ya’ll!!!

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