Random 5 Monday on a Wednesday, December 27, 2017

Random 5 Monday on a Wednesday, December 27, 2017

It’s Wednesday, but it’s my Monday, so here are the Random 5 for this week. 

It’s my blog, I do what I want. LOL

(snicker)

ONE – Obvi, the first one has to be about Christmas.  There’s probably some stupid rule somewhere.  I read a lot of blogs, and every single one has something about where to shop for this or what to get for a guy or best deals on kids toys.  They are all mom blogs.  And then there’s me, the Grinch, the Scrouge, the one who doesn’t even mention Christmas until it’s over.  Ok that’s a lie, I did tell you about the hardware store Christmas tree fiasco and how I boycotted the whole event.  Dumb tree.  It doesn’t even smell like Christmas.  Anyhoodle, I’m getting off track… Number 1 is definitely a HUGE shoutout to my Superman and my bestie.  They were in cahoots and managed to keep secret that they got me 2 tickets to see P!nk at the BOK Center in Tulsa!!!  The bestie and I are going to see her in March and I’m so super excited!!!  Superman says he wants no part of the concert and I accept that.  She’s not his kinda thing.  But for really reals, I haven’t been to a concert since I saw R. Kelly with my girl Nikki a million years ago.  We sat back far enough that we didn’t get peed on, thank God, and it was really a great concert.  #BestChristmasEver #MyPeopleAreBetterThanYourPeople

TWO – Superman and I were at Walmart fighting the idiotic crowd just before Christmas.  We had Monkey Boy with us.  At the register, I belly laughed.  I don’t even know if I can tell this story the right way because words just can’t describe this moment with Superman well enough.  I’m gonna try though… it definitely helps if you actually know my Superman.

He’s got all the stuff from our buggy on the belt and our checker lady is at least 137 years old, but she’s moving pretty fast and actually talkative and in a good mood despite how freakishly busy the store is tonight.  I guess the belt jerked forward when she moved something and the big package of wrapping paper rolls falls on the floor just in front of Superman’s feet.

Gretta the geriatric checker lady looks over all concerned standing on tippy toes to see the floor and says, “What was that?”

Superman immediately fires back, loud as can be, “50% off wrapping paper is what that was!  Cha-ching!”  And then he does this arm thing like “score!” and a little dance, puts the paper back on the belt and he’s serious as can be again.

My mouth just dropped and I stared.  Superman is always looking for a bargain, so that’s nothing new… but this arm thing and the dance… that’s DEFINITELY new.  He just did a little jig.  Like some weird side step thing while he was putting the paper rolls back.  It was great.  He really is a fun guy.  It’s nice to see him laughing and playing and having a good time.  In my opinion he spends entirely too much time at work dealing with the crowd of ignoramus blockhead donkey farts.  By the time he gets home his quick wit takes over and it takes a minute before he gets out of the condescending cluckbucket mode spewing forth snide remarks at warp speed.  Sometimes he’s so funny I belly laugh in Walmart.

 

THREE – I’m going to let you in on how my mind works.  Or how it doesn’t work, that’s probably more accurate.  My maiden name is Rodgers.  When people had to spell my name I would say “Rodgers, with a D” and they’d just stared at me like I was a freak.  So then I started saying, “Rodgers, R-O-D” to help them along.  Fast forward.  There’s this girl I met and I went to write her name down.  She goes, “Winter, with a Y.”  I just blinked and sat there.  One eyebrow raised, head cocked to the side, I’m completely stumped.  How the heck does a Y make a Wwwww sound?  Yinter?  That just doesn’t look right.  Who would name their kid Winter but spell it like that?  People name their kids all sorts of things; cars and booze and herbs and weather.  Some people put a random Q in there or end the name in “-sha” so that it’s just like their name, only different.  (<– Hahaha, I’m guilty of that last one!)   But I’ve never heard of a Y replacing a W and it still is supposed to make the same sound.  Weird.

So I said, “Hey, can you spell that for me?”

She goes, “Sure.  No problem.  W-y-n-t-e-r.  Wynter, with a Y.”

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh.  Duh.  SMH.

 

FOUR – So there was this one time, I got a little wasty pants… Ok, that’s not true.  I was white girl wasted.  Sauced.  Pretty stinkin’ drunk.  You get the point.  When I woke the next morning I was on the living room floor, my head laying on the corner of a dog pillow, and I’m surrounded by 8 little American Bully puppies snoring quietly in my ear.  Apparently, in my stupor, I thought they were cold in the laundry room and so I let them all in the house.  As if that wasn’t good enough, I decided to sleep with them, next to them, among them.

By morning they had eaten one of my 10-year-old red flip flops that are falling apart but I refuse to throw away, attacked random fingers and toes leaving behind bloody teeth marks and scratches that stung like the Dickens, had a party tromping through my hair which was a complete rats nest, and broken through the barricade of empty boxes and throw pillows I made so they couldn’t escape into other parts of the house.  I was attempting to stay warm by the likes of a tiny throw that would either cover my shoulders or my feet, but certainly not both at the same time.  My body was numb from laying on the floor and Superman was nowhere in sight.  Apparently he was too good to sleep with the animals.  La-de-da.  Prude. Bougie redneck.  Pfft.

FIVE – Espresso balls have to be the best idea since the thingy that catches the hair fallout in the shower before it goes down the drain.  These tiny little balls of strong coffee dipped in chocolate make my life complete. They are just so perfect.  I don’t particularly enjoy coffee, but it’s warm and filled with caffeine, so I drink it mostly during cold weather.  It also has a side effect of making me poop, which is a good thing I guess, but not fun.  If Pepsi did that I’d be in a world of hurt.  I’d have to buy stock in Cottonelle.  I don’t particularly like chocolate either.  And those two things make espresso balls the best thing on the planet.  I won’t eat the whole bag at once because I don’t care for chocolate, and there’s something weird about chewing a ball of coffee anyway.  But I also don’t have to drink a cup of Joe to get the caffeine surge.  The oldest spawnling and youngest girl found these beauties at Candyopolis in Norman at the Sooner Fashion Mall.  I explained that anything ending in “opolis” could not be ignored.  We MUST go in there.  All bulk candy is by the pound.  And when the oldest put a 2 lb jaw breaker on the scale our order of espresso balls, licorice rope and a jaw breaker rang up at $30.  When I threw that jaw breaker across the room our order went down to $19.90.  Sold.

That’s all I’ve got for today.  Come back next week for more Random 5 Monday, probably on a Tuesday because it’s not a holiday and Boss Lady is making me work.  LOL

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