Random 5 Never on a Monday

Random 5 Never on a Monday

Ya’ll, I just can’t seem to get my butt in gear and get this thing posted on a Monday anymore. My life has taken some serious turns lately and my whole schedule is all jacked up. I blame Sam. And the fact that she would rather have Friday’s off instead of Monday’s, which is ridiculous if you ask me.

Anyhoodle, let’s get into the Randoms, shall we?

#1 – This is my blog. Mine. I live here, I think here and I post here. Me, alone. Sometimes I bring in Sam, because she’s a blast. But hear me loud and clear… process this one… I mean really think about it:

It isn’t for everyone.

Some people may not like the content, probably a lot of people actually, and that’s okay. It doesn’t hurt my feelings. But in no way, shape, form or fashion do you need to feel compelled to tell me how disappointed you are in my content. I love having readers, I really do. But this is therapy for me. Writing has always been cathartic. I have to get the words on black and white so I can clear the clutter in my brain. It’s so the world will make sense to me. When it’s out and purged I can think and process and move forward. Some people like to talk to their friends and barf all their drama on them, because if they held it in they would explode. That’s why I write. So I don’t explode. I don’t write about one-tenth of the daily shit that happens, good or bad, and I’d love to word-vomit every gory detail all over everyone so I don’t feel crazy. But I write enough to keep me balanced. And hey, it’s okay if you don’t like it or your grandmother’s second cousin twice removed thinks I have a potty mouth and I’m bound for hell. It’s perfectly normal for my embarrassing moments to get the stank eye and my super emotional moments to be scoffed at because you didn’t make a lead role in my turmoil. I accept that. But keep it to yourself, if you don’t mind. You pointing out to me how much you hate this is like making fun of people in counseling. It’s rude and unnecessary.

#2 – Andy vs Mexican Pizza

So this happened. LOL

Andy swears up and down he found the box this way, but I think he ate his way through the box, ate the toppings and put the box back in the bag. I think he was just trying to be drunk-sneaky. Like, maybe she won’t notice if I just eat this side of the toppings. LOL

#3 Keto! Keto! Keto!

Some people just hate the word, probably because it is incredibly overused and a bit “fad-ish”. I can’t say we are actually keto-ing it up, because we don’t weigh our food or track every damn morsel we eat. We did that. We lost. We gained it back because, well… because cheeseburgers and pizza are life. So, we pretty much just nixed most of the starchy carbs from our meals. It’s hard to let go of mashed potatoes and everything that’s good in this world. I miss Pepsi. Something fierce. But for the most part we are cooking much healthier and trying to make smarter choices. My worst problem is portion control. I’m fat because I love food. All of it. Except beets. 😡 There is no place for beets in my world. But I love to cook and I love to eat. And I like the healthy crap too. For instance, I’d prefer a big fat salad over a juicy steak. I’m not a real big fan of red meat. The issue is how big my salad is and of course the amount of Ranch dressing. I’d like to blame my fat behind on my thyroid, but my thyroid, although it is out of whack, isn’t shoveling that plate-o-gravy up to my mouth, know what I’m saying? Day by day… that’s what we are doing. Just trying to be a little healthier and not die. Not yet. Because for serious, when the zombie apocalypse happens I’m pretty sure we aren’t going to have fast food places anymore. At least that’s not what TWD would have us believe. We are going to have to learn how to grow veggies and stuff and be all like Outhouse on the Prairie.

Anyway, my point is, I’m never going to stop posting pics of my food on Facebook. I’m never going to stop trying to better myself. And I’m probably not going to stop using the word “keto”. Simply because it’s easier to say we are doing “keto” than that whole paragraph above when someone says, “You look phenomenal, how did you do it?” And I’ll be all like, “Girrrrl, we keto’d and I lost 342.9 pounds just last week!”

And planked. We plank a lot. (Just kidding, I don’t know how to plank; my butt always sticks up and I look like a giant upside-down V.)

And here’s a random pic of my food.

#4 – Life of the Party

Have you seen the trailer yet? So super funny. I’m totally going to see that one, for sure. Like, actually IN the theater. With a giant tub of buttery popcorn. Even though I said up there that we aren’t eating starchy carbs. Popcorn doesn’t count. Anyway, I have a total girl crush on Melissa McCarthy. You know how when you find a hilarious celebrity and then they go through some drastic weight loss or whatever, and then you think they won’t be funny because they aren’t fat anymore? Like Roseanne. She was funny fat. Then she lost her weight, and her humor. Or maybe she’s just not relevant anymore, I’m not sure, but you know what I mean. I was afraid for Melissa, that she wouldn’t make me belly laugh ever again! I mean, I’ve watched her since Gilmore Girls! But she didn’t lose it and I’m so happy! She genuinely is a funny person. And super smart.

Anyway, watch the trailer. I can’t wait!

#5 – I just celebrated my 44th birthday. When I look back at where my life was a few years ago, pre-Andy and these awesome kiddos we are co-parenting, I smile. Before Andy came around (before I stalked him and made him mine) I spent a lot of time bitter and angry. I never got serious with anyone I dated and knew there was no future. It was like playing cat with a new toy mouse; just bat it around from paw to paw, and then when the new scent was gone, so was I. I’m really not sure if Andy dated anyone after his split from Countess Delusional. I’d like to think he was a monk. I know he took some chick to see 27 Dresses on Valentine’s Day the year we got together and it should have been me. I hadn’t really sank my claws in just yet. I still taunt him. We could have made-out in the theater. But nooooo, he was too busy taking out some other broad.

I’m 44. I’m getting closer and closer to 50. And I feel the same way about 50 that I did about 40…. I’m ready! I know I still have a few years to go before I hit the big 5-Oh, but I’ve embraced every year without fear. I’m a work in progress and I’ve got a lot left I want to accomplish; I’m just not in a fired up rush anymore. One day at a time…

That’s all folks! Come back next week and see what’s Random!

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